Audrey and Angelica’s “Pump Fiction”

Jason has a penis pump and Angelica can’t stop talking about it. Photo: Bravo

Remember when the cast of Vanderpump Rules had undiagnosed drug problems and would rather do nothing? Remember how fun that was? Remember when they stripped off their thick knits in a Las Vegas parking lot and got into an argument over “pasta” and Jax Taylor was clearly sweating from cocaine? Ah, those were the days. Now we’re talking about Shane being sober from fentanyl and meth for over a decade, and we can’t even make fun of him. he wants help. He wants to stay sober. What should I do with this? Is this what we signed up for?

Of course I’m kidding, I’m rooting for Shane’s sober journey. He’s not Cali sober like DJ James Kennedy either. He quit marijuana, mushrooms, ketamine, and DMT years ago. He told Marcus that he had picked up a bottle of kratom and was thinking of using it. DMT? Kratom? What exactly are these drugs? Am I so old and uncool that my kids are inventing new drugs while I’m not looking? I don’t know, should I try it? No, no, no, no, no, no. That seems like a bad idea. It’s also a good idea that Shane hasn’t done them since the last time he picked something up, he ended up having a two-year relapse.

Shane says he learned about drugs from his family, who introduced him to all things drugs. The reason this has come up again is because of his family, namely his father Shane. his mother, Shane; His sister Shane, who comes to see the premiere of his short film, is using drugs, which becomes a big trigger for him. Learning more about his family made everything about his character come into focus. It’s the same story Natalie had when she said she had a “toxic” childhood with a difficult mother who “I love her, but I don’t like her,” and that she wants nothing to do with her mother. It’s like, “Oh my gosh. Now everything makes more sense.”

It was great to see Mr. and Mrs. Shayne at the Shayne movie premiere. Knowing all I know, it would be very hard not to make fun of this seedy little venue. The footage makes it look cheaper than the buy one get one free ramen pack and it’s part of the 3x bill. The best thing that can be said about Shane’s performance is that he looks absolutely perfect even in a tank top. Now that I know everything he’s been through, I don’t want to say that. For all his Hollywood dreams, all his happy endings, I should just be nice.

Instead, maybe they should poke fun at Shayne’s friend Marcus and what happened between him and Kim at the afterparty. When they arrive, Marcus tells Kim that she gives people “too many special hugs.” Well, I saw the video. There was nothing special about those hugs. These hugs weren’t as special as the Diff’rent Strokes episode where the photographer tries to touch Arnold’s swimsuit area. Marcus said in his confessional that the only time he brought it up was because Kim yelled at him for hugging Natalie.

Sorry, but this is a radioactive vortex worse than a stream of weaponized uranium. she says something to him. He retaliates by being jealous of her. She texts him, “I love only you.” he ignores her She cries in the bathroom and ruins her mascara. Her friend buys her a drink. He continues to ignore her. She says if this continues he will lose her. The next morning she took him home but didn’t bring it up. He knows he will never lose her. And they do it over and over again until they ruin both their lives and their children’s lives. This whole move is absolutely awful and someone needs to tell Mr. Kim to run. Ruuuuuuunnnnnnn. Run like the wind. Runs like a cheap stocking. Works like the world’s last refrigerator. Run like Forrest Gump with the braces off his legs and board all the wars and shrimping boats around the world. Ruuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

To her credit, Demy tells her: First, she intervenes and orders a cocktail called the Boo Bear to get Marcus to treat his girlfriend like a human being. This is the most inappropriate name for a cocktail to be drunk in the midst of domestic misfortune. She then went to the women’s bathroom to check on Kim and finally said, “He’s never going to change. This is who he is.” that’s right. This is him. This is always the case. Kim may think she deserves it or that this is what love looks like, but she isn’t and it isn’t. I hope she realizes soon and keeps this corrosive sludge off the TV forever.

Oh my gosh, can we talk about something fun? What about taking pictures of penis pumps and goods? They look like fun and that’s what most of the episode was about. Angelica arrives at Tom Tom for a photo shoot wearing a “Shag the Chef” apron and the ugliest jewel-encrusted hoodie that fell off Ed Hardy’s butt, but she’s still suffering from severe nerve pain from being in the jiu-jitsu studio with Jason. Poor guy – he was going to cat palace, cat palace, cat palace, but it was just dojo, dojo, dojo. As she cries about her back pain, Lisa Vanderpump asks her what’s wrong, and she tells her not only about her back pain, but also that she got sick because Jason has OnlyFans and a penis pump. She then asks Lisa if she knows what it is, and Lisa pretends not to know, but, well, she was once a swinging young London woman. she knows.

Thankfully, Jason’s identical cousin Chris explains in a confessional that it’s not for erectile dysfunction. He says he’s using it because he’s on OnlyFans and trying to oversubscribe. “When you go to a steakhouse, you don’t want a regular steak,” he says. “I want something rich, juicy, and a little scary.” Hmm. Yes, boy. Amen. You need to instigate yourself. Also, I don’t think I’ll need a pump for the next 15 minutes or so.

Angelica keeps bringing up the penis pump and Chris finally tells her that’s rude. At this moment I agree with Angelica. It’s hard to get anything a little precious when people find out you have a porn account and are stimulating their penises. Between filming this scene and confessing, we’re glad that Chris is ready to own both the account and the excitement. He was right, Angelica was just really annoying at that moment. She brought it up to embarrass them.

But this is the last time I agree with Angelica for the rest of the episode. When all the photo shoot participants have moved from TomTom to SUR, she tries to tell Jason all about what’s going on, and he tells her that he has to go check the table because he’s currently working two jobs (and three if he takes dick pics in the bathroom while Demy isn’t forcing him to check the section). She said he wasn’t paying her enough attention or even apologizing, and that it wasn’t the time or place to have this conversation. There’s a table of very unhappy bears who need refills of mimosas and another order of French toast, and Jason needs to come and take that order so he can watch Lisa leave in the tight pants she makes the servers wear.

The penis pump makes an appearance again when Angelica pulls Audrey aside for a little chat at Shane’s premiere party. Audrey tells her that their trust has been broken because Angelica kept bringing up penis pumps on the set of Ed Hardy Wannabe. Angelica goes back to her old argument and blames everything on Jason. She says that if Jason didn’t want people to know about it, he should have put it in the drawer instead of in the shower. She thinks she can go online and sign up now to watch him use a penis pump. Angelica is completely missing the point here. It’s not a pump issue. It’s about sharing what Audrey told her in confidence. As Audrey pointed out, they held little Kiki (in front of at least two cameras, a sound guy, and a producer) while drinking matcha tea in their pajamas. Audrey says she brought it up in a funny and joking manner, but Angelica says she brought it up as a way to shame Jason for both his porn career and, well, tools of the trade. Audrey might be the only thing I really like on this shitty show.

Two new people join the party as Audrey tells Angelica that she doesn’t want to be her sister and will just be nice from now on. A gay man says all he has to do is say “hello” to the kids who work for him. He needs to show up a little at this work party. He takes Katie Maloney Schwartz Maloney out for a drink, and then a Heather Dubrow special at Junior Cookies for about six drinks. She sees two girls fighting over who is the better friend. She witnesses a woman trapped in a toxic relationship with a man who is too mean and too nice to leave. She saw them all get drunk and make mistakes and consider calling in sick the next day even though their co-workers knew exactly what they were doing. She’s been here before. She was them. She ate all the boobear but refused all the pasta. “I just…” Katie said as she dreamed about gluten and turned straight around to wait for her friend in the car.