“Traitor” Recap, Season 4, Episode 3

traitors

Show Me Your Face

season 4 episode 3

Editor’s rating 3 stars ***

This season unfolds as a secret traitor is unleashed on the castle, and all its secrets are revealed. Photo: Ewan Cherry/Peacock

Whose tarot cards did Rob R. and Lisa decide to burn? That’s a question not only I, but also their fellow traitor Candace, wants an answer to. She missed all the action as she was busy coordinating a suspicious conga rendition to distract everyone while the murder was being committed in secrecy, and has been worried ever since that Rob C. would find out about their plot. These two traitorous factions were unable to consult, so Rob C. could not be considered on their side in making this decision. But luckily Lisa and Rob R decide to kill him anyway. Is it because he’s an intimidating game player, or because Rob R wanted to be the only Rob in the castle? I’ll let you be the judge of that.

But when his murder is revealed at breakfast, Candace (who had been hoping and praying for his death) puts on a masterful performance. “Oh no!” she cries. Academy Award. “Rob was my homeboy,” she says tearfully, and they begin to gleefully jeer and holler during her confessional. She even makes a toast in his honor at the table. In my opinion, that may be what’s pushing it, but no one seems to have warned that it was suspiciously overdone.

Perhaps the distraction at the table helped with the argument that broke out between Yum Yum and Michael, who continued to cry over not being given Yum Yum’s shield as a handout. “I didn’t know the traitor had a shield,” he tells Yum Yum with a mouthful of food, shamelessly revealing once again that he’s too stupid to understand how the game works. Yum Yum easily silences Michael. Because name-calling is not Michael’s strong suit. And the more he tries and fails, the more the other members at the table become visibly irritated by his presence. He could be the first player to be kicked out simply because people got tired of hearing his voice.

Luckily, Alan comes to put us out of our misery in the guise of a bisexual Heat Miser, but he’s there with a twist. Normally he would take the players on their first mission, but today he tells them they will go straight to the roundtable. I’m gasping! It just doesn’t feel right to do a roundtable in the sunlight, like when Super Bowl halftime performers have to do their show in the sunlight. Everyone disperses for discussion, but the names that end up being thrown around are the same: Ron, Donna, Yum Yum, and Michael (God willing, he’ll pack up all his sweat-stained clothes and head home soon).

When they sit down at the table, Donna lays out her case against Michael (who always appears to have a film of saliva at the corners of his mouth). He points out that historically, traitors like to make a big show of wanting a shield to make it seem like they need one, and that’s exactly what he’s done. She also points out that Rob C. voted for Michael right before he was killed, adding that she thinks either the traitors are making as much trouble as possible to distract Michael, or he is a traitor himself. Please drag me away, Mama Kelce! She added that she didn’t think he was actually as ignorant about the rules of the game as he seemed. That’s a very good point to talk about. If you recall, one of the first things this ghoul brought up when he entered the castle was that he had researched the game, and yet he didn’t seem to have any idea how it was played. A deliberate strategy? Or have all my brain cells corroded from years of smelling myself? I can only assume the latter.

He claims not only that he is a believer, but “I am the best-looking, the wisest, the most wicked, and the most faithful believer.” So, here’s the problem—no. Of course, all the descriptions he uses are empirically false and indicate a level of delusion so intense that I have genuine doubts as to how this person passed the psychiatric evaluation on the show. I hope this vote will finally put us out of our misery.

But when the vote was finally cast…I almost threw up. I can’t believe this is happening to me. By a near-unanimous vote, Donna Kelce was expelled. I will never forgive every last member of this cast for this absolute riot. They obviously all planned it without telling me. They let their poor judgment take over, they abandoned their moral sense, and worst of all, they made me waste more time than I had to waste my life watching Michael Rapaport make a fool of himself on this show. I can’t believe they would do this to my daughter Donna. She approaches the Circle of Truth and reveals to them that she is actually the Loyal, as I have always believed, but then she declares with great flourish and levity, “You are a traitor.”

oh my god. Donna Kelce was a secret traitor. She’s pulling the strings and telling the other traitors who they can kill, all in calculated silence. When given this secret role, she says in a flashback, “It’s just fun, I can’t wait.” This was great casting. She cried happy tears at the end and was thrilled to have had this experience. And even though all the players who voted for her turned out to be right, I’m still mad at them. But I think it’s no wonder they handed her over, because we traitors will never win (to borrow the words of her future daughter-in-law).

The good news is that our traitorous trio did just that, and it seems to be working out. But before we can meet up at the turret, it’s time for a mission. Players are all paired up, and one of them is locked in a cage and must find and stack 10 skulls for their partner to free. Finally, a TV show that locks Lisa Rinna in a cage for the safety of those around her. I think many of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills have been campaigning for this for years. Just think about how easy Kim Richards’ life was. But what really distracts me throughout this whole challenge is watching Johnny try to free Eric, if you can even call it an attempt. The whole mission was over, but he couldn’t even find 10 skulls. Much less could he pile them up to free his partner. And he’s an Olympian! A humiliating display.

This failure meant that Eric, along with Lisa, Kristen, Ron, and Caroline, were also left in the cage and faced charges of murder. Four players will be in danger as Lisa is known to be a traitor. But instead of a regular murder with an envelope, potential victims are taken out into the midnight forest, blindfolded and tied to a tree while the traitors decide who to kill. They make a fair case for each. No housewives have been killed yet, so killing Caroline would take away some potential heat from Lisa and Candace. Killing Ron would cause some nice chaos since everyone thinks he’s a traitor, Eric would seem like an equally confusing random choice, and Kristen would just be a good old threat. For some theatrical flair, they go into the woods and carry out their own missions, with each of the blindfolded hostages pleading their case. Well, with the exception of Ron, who uses this opportunity to essentially dare them to kill him and demands that they show their faces. We don’t know who they’re killing yet, but we do know they need to cast Ron Funches in a psychological horror movie ASAP.