“RHOBH” Recap: S15, Episode 4: “Housewife Heat Wave”

Sutton introduces her new persona, but the rest of the cast has yet to buy into the rebrand. Photo: Bravo

This week on our favorite show, Rich Women Doing Things, rich women did something! They took their daughter to a Porsche driving lesson, and after she yelled at her for not using the brakes, they remembered that this is what the Honda Civic and Driver’s Edition are for. They ordered brand managers to instruct their assistants to tell the butlers to change the color of the bee pollen ribbons they keep on tables as both decoration and a bit of product placement. They brought 18 different pairs of shoes and 93 different Chanel bags on their four-day trip to the desert, so most of them would gather dust and melt in the heat. Because, despite paying countless thousands of dollars for them, they are still made in Chinese factories with cheap glue. So two French families who own the company can compete to become the world’s first billionaires. Nabisco is a trionaire.

Yes, the wealthy ladies took Sutton’s private plane to Sedona, but before that there were some scenes back in boring old Los Angeles. Jen Tilly went to Sutton’s home to talk about her recent trip to Sedona. Sutton says he doesn’t drink much anymore. This means my wallet is much lighter because I no longer have to constantly carry both vodka and grapefruit juice in bottles. There’s also a weird exchange between Sutton and Jen when Sutton talks about wanting to be friends with Dorit because no one on the show wants to put up with her. Jen slurred that Sutton couldn’t just show up out of the blue and say, “I want to be your friend right now.” Sutton gets very angry and says she knows she can’t do it and Jennifer can’t make fun of her either. Cool your jets, sis. Jen knows. She is your only friend in the cast. Don’t attack her either. Also, this is Sutton’s fatal flaw. She has no sense of humor, especially about herself.

Kyle then goes to Dorit’s house. Dorit sent her kids off to Florida this season so we don’t have to watch at all. Well, thank God. Who wants to meet the child? Please wait! I’ll take it back. Have you ever seen Rachel’s son, Caius, come back from camp and spit when Rachel tries to carry her duffel bag, like when he says, “Hey, you’re not working out on the treadmill for nothing?” Look at this adorable little angel munchkin. he’s a star Build the next generation of LA around him and his 6th grade class. It will be a big hit.

No, Kyle went to Dorit’s house to talk more shit about PK, the urinary tract infection of the soul, and how he’s not around the kids, doesn’t have money, doesn’t go to mediation, and generally makes Dorit’s life more miserable than a bus flight with an itchy butt. Kyle says this is surprising to her and repeats this line again, not the kind of man she knows, but Dorit is totally right to confirm that. When your friend tells you that your ex is trash, you say, “Damn! Take that guy to the dump!” But Kyle is also right that airing all of this on TV probably isn’t the best way to proceed with divorce proceedings. Dorit said she would like to resolve the issue through mediation so she doesn’t have to go to court. As a human being, I want this for her. As the president and founder of the Real Housewives Institute, I want this case to go to court. I really want this to go to court. Please show us your financial details! I want all financial statements! That way, you can get H&R Block to sponsor The Bravo Docket and give them seven accountants to scrutinize every filing. Listen to this 13-part podcast about divorce while eating cashews and drinking lemon Spindrift from a martini glass.

Speaking of poor finances, we have to admit that the Eileen Davidson Agreement is creaking under the weight of the blonde known as Amanda Frances. This show really wants us to hate her, they work harder than both of the gay hockey boys in the group shower to make us hate her, but we’ll have to wait. There are two more episodes left! The story she tells about Erica at Kathy’s Gazebo Dinner and Gift Suite is strange for a number of reasons. She said she talked about her two children, Erica and Cancer, at Jen Tilly’s nude painting party and said they were “very emotional.” Erica Cancer: “Do you think you’re emotional or mean?” Amanda replied that anger was an emotion, Erica agreed, and the topic was dropped.

She said Erica was trying to intimidate her and treat her in a negative manner. I don’t know. I don’t understand. It seems like she either misunderstands the situation or is making something out of nothing. I thought Erica was saying that because she’s a Cancer, she can be mean. It was an explanation, not a verdict. After all, Cancers are crabs, and we all know they have claws. It was also weird that she said she grabbed Erica in that moment, making it seem like Erica was someone who was trying to blackmail her or something. I don’t know. I don’t understand. I don’t understand anything about this.

What I also don’t understand is Sutton’s reaction that in that moment, Amanda didn’t understand Erica the way she thought she did. This can be read in several ways. It could be a read about Erica, who Sutton knows has had problems in the past, saying that Erica is mean and intimidating, but in a much more complex way than what’s on display there. She may be saying that Erica’s evil is vast and multifaceted, and that it will take years to fully understand her darkness and complexity. Or you might be more generous with Erica and say that she didn’t mean to be mean but is actually a good person, and that Amanda is getting the surface-level flirtatiousness but not the soft inside. Either way, she seems to be saying that Amanda either misunderstood the situation or doesn’t know Erica as well as she thinks she should take some time before making a decision. We’ll never know, because Sutton never really elucidates her point.

When Amanda arrives on a private plane for a trip to Sedona, Rachel confesses and talks about everyone’s travel attire, saying, “Amanda got on a plane with an LV logo bigger than my head and really felt it.” There is no work for the rest of us to do. Rachel, thank you for your cooperation.

But there’s one problem with Rachel. The problem was that I had so many packages that I sent them to Sedona by FedEx, but they didn’t arrive on time. When I think of The Rachel Zoe Project, the only image that comes to my mind is of her and Brad Goreski screaming, “Where’s the dress?!?!?!?!?!” We both made each other feel nauseous, and I’m glad we got a little taste of that in this episode. But then I find out that Boz’s assistant, Nico (shhh, I have a crush on him), is accompanying him on the trip. It’s becoming too much. Why is it so appealing? Why are there only assistants? Why do you ship packages? Why all that? I understand that this is a visual medium. I want it to look rich and expensive, but at the moment all the extra support is starting to feel like Birkins. They have it because everyone else has it, and they need to have it so they don’t look poor. Recall a trip to France. When Kyle said, “There’s no such thing as charm!” Can’t we always apply that rule? Or at least on mini-trips? Let the ladies do their own hair and have more time to snipe each other over dinner. That’s what this show is all about.

There’s not much sniping around the table. They’re mostly just mad that Amanda won’t shut up and says she once spent $10,000 on Crystal. Later, Erica opens up about meeting a man backstage at Mighty Hoopla during a performance in London. Wait, I was backstage at Mighty Hoopla. How could I have missed this? She told the women not to get too carried away and that although it’s early days, it might be worth the fuss since they’re still in a relationship.

But this trip isn’t about men, at least according to Sutton. It’s about her introducing Sutton Brown to the group, her new persona, her new personality. She says Sutton Brown is a fun person and a great friend, but this is Sutton’s problem. She always tells us about herself and never shows us her true self. Erica says that if Sutton starts showing up continuously, people will start believing those things. But Sutton is just trying to overcome her insecurities of not being pretty enough or cool enough for the group, and on this night, she accomplished that. The stars are shining down on them, adding a cool glow to the 91 degree heat. The desert soil is mixed with starlight by the wind and swirls in small vortices. Somewhere in the distance, I can’t see but hear the sounds of animals running and howling. It’s a wonderful evening filled with laughter, drinks, and candlelight. Wealthy women forget that the crystal still has a price tag on it, and the table sinks under its weight.