When Elizabeth Chambers’s marriage to actor Armie Hammer ended, she focused on a question many parents face: How do you rebuild your life while helping your children navigate theirs? Of course, not many have to do that with the world watching.
The journalist and entrepreneur announced her separation from Hammer in July 2020 after 10 years of marriage. The exes — who share daughter Harper, 12, and son Ford, 9 — spent years finalizing their divorce as theCall Me By Your Nameactor faced public scandal and allegations of abuse. (Hammer hasdenied any nonconsensual sexual activitybutacknowledged infidelityduring their marriage.)
Chambers found a way to channel her pain into purpose. As host and executive producer of the Investigation Discovery (ID) seriesToxic— which returns with tonight’s two-hour special,Toxic: What Happened in the Haight House? — she explores cases of domestic abuse and intimate partner violence, helping survivors tell their stories and viewers recognize warning signs in their own relationships.
Here, Chambers reflects on starting over, what she’s learned from survivors and how those lessons shape the way she raises her children, as told to Yahoo’s Taryn Ryder.
‘I just locked in with my kids’
When my marriage fell apart, I was trying to figure out how to move forward amid constant headlines about my personal life. I’d wake up thinking it might be an OK day, and hours later, it would all feel overwhelming. Sometimes, I turned off my phone for days. I leaned on trusted friends to tell me what I needed to know, and I just locked in with my kids.
During that time, I was compensating so much and trying to be so present and so fun and not let them see I was sad.
Starting over was a lot of therapy and a lot of woo-woo. Thankfully, it was during COVID, and I was on an island, which made it easier. There was a lot of writing things down (and burning it), sound baths and talking to people who had been through divorce.
In marriage, you both make vows, but you can’t control anyone else’s behavior or actions. Words are just words.
When everything falls apart, all you care about is protecting your kids. But that meant I had to do the work on myself, so I could be there for my children and not be an absolute mess.
I became deeply consumed by and obsessed with how to mitigate trauma in children. I talked to as many family separation therapists as I could find. In that work, what I realized is that family patterns — generational patterns — exist for a reason. That was just reinforced in Season 1 of Toxic.
‘This isn’t for headlines or clickbait’
From the time I was 3, I’ve known storytelling was my passion. I studied journalism at the University of Texas at Austin and graduated early for a job at Channel One. At Current TV, I learned rogue journalism: Check out a camera and go do a story. I found what I wanted to do: tell people’s stories and connect with them.
Toxic is my dream job, and Season 1 solidified that. Immersing ourselves in survivors’ lives and getting to know who they are at their core was so powerful. I still talk to all of them.
For Season 2, I wanted to level up in every way. We brought on a new showrunner I’d respected for a long time. We have two male survivors this season, and we cover more themes. Abuse comes in so many forms, and every episode is another example of that.
This isn’t for headlines or clickbait. It’s an opportunity to have your story told from beginning to end. With abuse comes shame. So often people want to shut down and they don’t want to talk about it.
We don’t come in, sit in a chair and leave. We get to know their friends and families. Sometimes we sit down for 10 or 12 hours. Our entire crew is deeply invested in hearing these stories and telling them respectfully. That’s how we earn their trust, but it’s not always easy. They don’t know how it’s going to turn out.
Nothing makes me happier than hearing someone say, “I knew it was going to be good because I felt safe, but I didn’t know it was going to be this good.”
Why ‘just leave’ isn’t so simple
“Just leave” never works, because that’s what’s so complicated with love.
When you have these complex feelings and when you have that deep connection with someone, your mind and your gut and your heart do not always work together. You don’t want to hear it from the outside.
Try telling any of your friends who are so in love and have been dating someone for less than three months that it’s not good. Some of us have been on both sides of it.
You have to give them an example, and that’s why Toxic is so powerful. You can’t say, “He’s controlling you. He’s depending on you. He’s using your credit card to buy a motorcycle and a watch.” You say, “Watch Episode 3 and see how this can end up.”
Without a concrete example, people will say, “Oh, you’re jealous,” or, “Mind your own business.” These are real cautionary tales that can be presented.
Raising children with boundaries and respect
This work literally informs everything I do.
I’m raising a daughter with very strong boundaries and a son who respects the heck out of women. I can say that without a single shadow of a doubt. It’s almost like this is their life’s work too, because they’re surrounded by these conversations all the time. (Obviously, in an age-appropriate way.)
Those conversations can happen at any age. My daughter will be the first to read an unfair dynamic.
We’ll watch TV shows that she likes, and we have conversations about what we see. Why are they doing it like this? It’s never too young to have those conversations when it’s framed the right way. You don’t have to say it’s about marriage or relationships. “Do you think that’s balanced? Do you think they both have an equal voice? Do you think he respects her and she respects him? What do you think they’re good at as a married couple?”
We have to raise good men and women. It’s imperative, or we’re going to keep having the headlines that we have right now.
I hope viewers recognize what they deserve and what they should expect, what is healthy and what’s going to perpetuate good for their future generations.
If we’re not going to do something for ourselves, do it for your kids. I’ve never been healthier than when I was pregnant. I love sugar. I eat BIRD Bakery [the bakery chain she founded] all the time. But when I was pregnant, I was so purposeful.
We do things for our kids that we won’t do for ourselves. If you’re in an abusive relationship or if you’re in a toxic dynamic, if you’re not going to do it for you, do it for your children.
‘It’s going to be better than OK’
My faith is really strong. When things seem the lowest and the darkest, you have to know that there is a reason you’re going through that. The only way to get through it is to keep on going. It’s not going to go away. You’ve got to just work through it.
If I could go back and tell myself something six years ago, I’d say, “You’re going to turn lemons into lemonade. You really are. It’s going to be better than OK.” I wanted to do everything I could just to make sure that my kids were going to be better than OK. And we are.
Toxic: What Happened in the Haight House?premieres Oct. 27 at 9 p.m. ET/PT onIDand will be available to stream onHBO Max.
For anyone affected by abuse and needing support, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, or if you’re unable to speak safely, you can log on tothehotline.orgor text LOVEIS to 22522.
This account has been edited and condensed for length and clarity.
