“Below Deck Mediterranean” Summary: Mafia Mom’s Emergency

A smoking, Mafia-bred guest in Parliament arrives to raise hell in the season’s final charter. Photo: Bravo

After regurgitating a tepid, if not downright boring drama last week, we’re blessed by the Bravo gods with the good old yachting chaos of “Bubble Trouble.” Why do things always fall apart in the final charter? Some crew members, like Ayesha, Josh, and especially Sandy, feel pressure to end the season on a good note. On the last day of school before summer vacation, some face their last two days of work in the gleeful indifference of their seniors. A chicken nugget fiasco disrupts Cassie and Max and affects their work. Unusually, Cassie whines. Max was known for his whining behavior and decided to take naps whenever he felt like it.

In this week’s news, Max said that Cassie cut off “What Are We” to deal with the chicken nugget issue. Kathy employs classic defensive tactics. She decides to get annoyed that he is annoyed, thereby creating a conflict that can only end in surrender. She has a terrifying enemy named Max. He is a man with a world-class grudge and still holds a grudge against Nathan for not appointing him deckhand, something that happened 100 years ago. The next morning, Cassie makes a half-attempt for a truce—it’s only a half-attempt, since Cassie won’t look at his side, preferring to dig in her heels—but the two spend most of the first day of The Final Charter blaming each other from afar. Max, being Max, tells her that she needs emotional stability, someone who won’t chase chicken nuggets in the middle of an important conversation. As she told Kizzy, Cassie wants Max to “become the bigger person” and take the lead on reconciliation.

Given the debacle of V-Kitzi and Joe, the origins of Kitzi’s Boatman Reign of Terror are easily forgotten. Remember when Kizzy flirted with Max in the hot tub, embarrassing Cassie, as soon as she broke up with the elusive Tommy? It sends a chill down this memoirist’s spine to think about what might have happened had Max and Kitzi been more involved. Anyway, Max walks around all day and takes at least one meditation break. He complains to Joe about the pitfalls of emotional tangles, and then the two have a conversation so crazy that watching it sent all the blood in my body rushing to my head. Max tells Joe that he really doesn’t want Kathy to be his girlfriend anymore and that he should never have asked because he stands to hurt Kathy’s feelings by withdrawing his offer. After reminding Max quite a bit that he’s not an expert on the subject, Joe tells Max, “Dating is about finding out if someone is right for you.” For example, the more time you spend with V, the less “[he]actually wanted.” Was there ever a more egregious example of two overinflated male egos believing that they were completely immune to rejection or criticism, when in fact they had no intention of doing so?

At this point, it’s just annoying that Joe can’t fully handle the fallout from the V situation with anything approaching maturity or dignity. Yes, he’s right. They weren’t exclusive. But if he had acknowledged that he shouldn’t have said so many things he didn’t mean to go on and that he might have been wrong to kiss another girl while V was out sick on her birthday and grieving for her dead boyfriend, we might all have forgotten and forgiven this whole shitty show. He just keeps saying things like, “It feels like I’m in prison.” Nathan has been acting strangely so far. Throughout his first season as a boatswain, he feels he has grown both professionally and personally. And if you want to prove the same to Gale, you can’t date the infantile and selfish Joe. The change in approach to their relationship becomes clear when Nathan tells Joe that Gail is going on a surfing trip with some male friends. Joe warns that the trip will test Gael’s loyalty. Nathan is confused. One, they’re not even together. Two, he doesn’t expect to mess up. Third, and most importantly, are you serious?!

That’s chaos enough, but as it turns out, Elementary’s Jen Dilandro and her crew arrive ready to raise hell. They’re congressmen-smoking, French-tip-wearing, lip-sealed, Mafia-bred Italian women from New York who, in at least one case, want what they want, when they want it. Is a storm approaching and preventing your boat from leaving the pier? Change the weather, Captain! Sandy is angry that the guests are leaving to anchor despite the weather, and tells Nathan and V to take them on a tender to see for themselves how unpleasant it is to be out in rough seas. She even tells Nathan to intentionally hit the waves, which shows an admirable level of pettiness. But a bumpy ride isn’t all bad. Nathan uses this opportunity to get V used to bidding, which she appreciates. At this point, our girl is willing to accept all possible consideration.

Sandy’s interactions with the guests irritate her, and Josh ends up bearing the brunt of her annoyance. If you listened to your mother’s stories as a child, you would remember that life is not fair. Sandy was already putting some pressure on the chef before the guests arrived. Since the guests had not left the pier, they needed a meal to make up for the boring day. Now, after complaining, she storms into the galley and asks why another family-style lunch was being served to the guests. Josh, clearly surprised, retorted that family lunches are standard on every boat he has ever worked on. It gives a bad impression that the Captain would be so aggressive about this when lunch has been served like this all season – it’s clear it has less to do with him than it does with her. By the way, why does Josh have to sacrifice a few precious moments of his time to make a few assorted dinners, according to the captain’s specifications, and throw up a few salads and sandwiches? This question will be asked again later in the charter, but for now, Asha tries to convince the chef.

Unfortunately, a slumber party-themed dinner makes things even worse. Then again, some guests may not know that Bravado doesn’t employ a full kitchen staff, just one brave man. When Marissa whines that she wants the clam casino, Principal Jen shuts her up. Marissa can get a clam casino in Staten Island or Brooklyn, but since they’re on a fucking yacht, she’ll enjoy beet tartare with caviar and oysters even if the oysters aren’t in the shell. Annalize, the meanest customer to board the Bravado since the legendary Carlos, complains that her pasta doesn’t have truffles (which are out of season). What’s more, a nice-looking tarte tatin won’t satisfy all your guests. Ayesha relays their complaints but shrugs, prompting Josh to ignore it. Obviously they are just difficult. Proof of this is when Annalize stops by the galley before going to bed and requests tomorrow’s king crab legs. However, Josh was already all about king crab legs for dinner, but then again, she’s not in charge. Funnily enough, it’s not the boss who complains. Annalize’s friend looks embarrassed.

Plus, the dinner service itself was a bit terrible. In fact, the chaos started before dinner, when Jen called Ayesha into the bathroom to deal with a bathtub emergency. Apparently, along with the other ringleaders, she emptied the entire bottle of bath bubbles in the bathtub. There are bubbles everywhere. It’s ridiculous that the stew is cracking. They never complain about stains until they get those nasty streaks of spray tan out of the bathtub. And during dinner service, while Josh was trying to concentrate, Kathy and the rest of the crew were goofing around in the galley. Josh asked for silence, but then explained in an exasperated tone that the commotion was a distraction. Cassie starts to argue, but Asha shuts her down by telling her, “Don’t talk back.”

If the rest of the crew were distracting Josh, it was at least partially because they were distracting themselves. Max and Kathy can’t find the right time to talk, and Kidzie and Joe are flirting everywhere. Earlier in the day, they had made an “agreement” that by a certain age, if they were still single, they would get married. V overheard Kitzi telling everyone about the agreement. Perhaps thinking it would be better to keep busy, V offers to help with the turndown, but the guests are generally very demanding, so Captain Sandy asks the deckhands to stay inside for support. When Max asks Nathan to leave work because the guests are having dinner, Nathan is fed up with Max’s response and is like, Okay, okay, let’s go home.

After hitting her toe on a garbage can, Kitzi was in pain all day and tossed and turned all night. Her toes are swollen to twice their size. Her biggest fear is missing out on the crew’s last night out together, her last chance to make something happen (on TV) with Joe. Sandy sends her for an x-ray. Meanwhile, Cassie and Max finally smooth things over. He apologizes for the big reaction and they hug, but it’s still unclear what that means to them as a couple. Are they still together or…?

Josh wakes up at dawn and starts work. Thankfully, the boat has finally left the dock and the guests are having a picnic lunch on the beach. So he should have plenty of time to prepare dinner…right? When he tells Kathy that she needs him to dress her salad on the beach, Kathy is confused and almost seems offended by his request, insisting that he should be there to make sure the job is done properly. I’ve never made stew on a yacht, and I know it’s more stressful than it sounds, but making salad dressing isn’t difficult. Do you want to go 5 minutes early? In other words, all you have to do is throw it. As a middle child, my sense of unfairness flares up even more when I hear Kathy say Josh has “given up” because it’s the end of the season. He’s doing his best! Lunch is ultimately okay, even if you serve it reluctantly. Again, sandwiches and salads. It’s not exactly clam casino. Back on the boat, Kathy tells both Josh and Aisha that she was scrambling to dress and serve, especially when she hadn’t had any rest at all because she had to pick up Kitzi’s work while she was out. “I can’t take a day off every day,” Josh replies. Josh, tell them.

While the guests were on the beach, Max decided to take a nap. V asks if Nathan dropped him off, but Max doesn’t care at all. When V, who later comes to pick up the crew from the beach, tells Nathan about this, the boatswain becomes irritated. He becomes even more annoyed when Joe tells him that the fact that he and Kitzi are not “allowed” to have a relationship only makes him want to have a relationship with her more. This confession came to light after Kizzi texted him saying, “I’m worried we won’t be able to spend our last night together.” From the preview at the end of the episode, it’s clear that Kitsy and Joe will surrender to their worst instincts. The finale’s sanity may lie in Sandy’s reunion with his wife, Leah, who visits him on his final night.