Suddenly Amish review – not one tiny bit of this reality show rings true
Six strangers are sent into a traditional Amish community to see how they will fare – and it all feels highly dubious. There’s so little insight in this show it’s borderline impressive
Reality TV always has to negotiate the L’Oréal eyelash problem, that’s the thing. Do you remember the 2007 controversy or do you have a life and I need to explain? OK. The beauty brand was hauled over the coals after an advert for their “telescopic” mascara, starring Penélope Cruz, claimed that it offered 60% longer lashes. This, the ASA found, suggested actual growth rather than the optical illusion the product provided. Also, Cruz was wearing individual false lashes to fill in gaps (standard industry practice, L’Oréal said, to maintain the lash line under recording conditions) and this exaggerated the effect the product could achieve on natural lashes. L’Oréal was considered to have crossed the ineffable line between the amount of truth-bending that is an acceptable part of advertising into something like lying.
Reality TV now has to walk similar lines. How much shaping can it bear and still claim to be unscripted? How much manipulative editing can they get away with and how blatant can the setups to drive conflict be before it risks becoming contemptuous and an audience turns away?
Welcome to the latest study of this fascinating phenomenon, Suddenly Amish, an eight-part series that pitches six strangers into the heart of a traditional Amish community to see how they will fare and if any of them will want to enter the church – or be accepted if they do – by the end of a month-long trial
A few things before we begin. The first – no way. No way does a proper, full-blown Amish community sign up for any reality show, especially not this one. Its leader, Bishop Vernon, states that the community is in need of new blood because the babies of increasingly close relatives can be born with “mental and physical challenges”. Again, I question how ready a true man of the Mennonite cloth would be to acknowledge the problem of inbreeding in the church, but I applaud the honesty if so
The second – no way the contestants. Specifically, no way Kendra (LA dancer, former party girl and brief OnlyFans account holder before she found God five years ago) turns up at the farmstead in a tiny halterneck dress without producer approval/encouragement. No way Amish-loving cosplayer Billie Jo – who lives in Amish garb (as does her little dog) in New York and condemns Kendra on sight for her “slutty” presentation – turns up with a sex toy in her suitcase. No way any of them have been chosen for their professed interests in living more spiritual lives and especially no way 42-year-old Aaron, the son of an evangelical preacher, has been chosen for anything other than the fact that he only lost his virginity 10 years ago (“A poor situation on her behalf,” he says cryptically, though the suggestion is that he wanted to wait for marriage). He also has “a hidden disability”, which is revealed in the crassest way possible; as their Amish hosts James and Emma go through their suitcases full of “worldly” items before allowing them to cross the threshold, James holds up a phone cable in triumphant disgust. Aaron then reveals that he is hearing-impaired and relies on his phone to use Bluetooth aids. James refuses to let the phone into the house and says he will have to consult with the elders. Suddenly Amish has already been available in the US and many commentators have pointed out that the Amish allow technology and electricity for medical devices, and a hearing aid would fall under this rubric in perhaps all but the very fiercest iterations of the community.
On and on it goes, with obvious setup after obvious setup. There is Esmeralda’s meltdown over being told to do without her false eyelashes (it all begins to tie in! My thesis works!), acrylic nails and bottles of skincare. There are attractions between the guests, between guests and Amish, and – unless ears, eyes and editing deceive, which of course they may well do – Emma and James, who are (we are told) third cousins once removed
Bigger reveals – such as one of the guests coming out as bisexual – are held until later episodes, and in the meantime we have hosts considering whether to banish a divorcee, a couple who hive off to a motel together, and whether James should be reprimanded for chasing one half of the immoral couple off the estate with an axe or praised for it. None of it rings true, none of it is insightful, even by accident, which actually takes some doing, and by the end you can only feel grateful that at least most of the Amish will never know what took place under their name. If they ever do, I think Bishop Vernon can expect to be shunned into oblivion.
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