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Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
I am writing because I really don’t know what to do with my 10-year-old son anymore. All he wants to do is play video games. As soon as he gets home from school, he asks for his Xbox. We have tried limiting his time, but it always turns into an argument.
He says all his friends are allowed to play as much as they want and that we are unfair. He also gets really nasty if we say “no” or tell him to turn it off—he shouts at us and sometimes calls us names, which I find very upsetting.
My husband thinks we should just take the games away completely, but I think that might make things worse. I know we probably let him play too much in the first place, especially when he was younger and I needed to get things done around the house. Now it seems impossible to change things. I just want him to go outside or read a book once in a while! How do we get him away from the screen without arguing every single day?
“All my friends are allowed to do X” is a lie, and has always been a lie, so you can just go ahead and ignore that.
Start setting some basic rules and expectations: Your son can’t play video games all day, every day. He needs to understand that sometimes the answer will be “no.” Make it clear that if he loses control or calls you names, it will be an automatic “no”—and then it will also be “no” the next time he asks.
If you’re not going to cut him off cold turkey—which I do get!—you should also try to set some actual limits and rules around his gaming time. For example, there’s no reason he should expect to walk in the door after school, immediately start playing, and then play all afternoon and evening. Make it clear that first he needs to do his homework, talk with you a little about his day, go outside, read a book, do something else to decompress, etc. Think about whether there’s a block of time each evening (or three evenings a week, or whatever you want) when you’re OK with him playing, and tell him that’s gaming time and he generally shouldn’t expect much more outside of that. Once video game time starts, set a timer for whatever period of time you’re willing to let him have, and when the timer goes off, it’s time for him to stop and do something else.
Do not engage in any fights he wants to start over video games. I know it’s upsetting when he’s an asshole to you, but don’t let yourself be drawn into an argument or react emotionally when he resorts to rudeness or verbal abuse. (You can still feel and process those feelings at another time, with someone who’s not him.) Tell him that you won’t talk with him about gaming at all unless he can speak with you about it calmly and respectfully.
You’ll probably see the outbursts worsen as he desperately tries to get your attention/get his way, but if that kind of behavior never leads to what he wants, he will have no choice but to try a different tactic. Right now, this is about gaming—because he’s 10. But there will be other times when you need to try to say no or set limits, and potentially much higher stakes, so it’s good for all of you to learn now.
My husband and I have been married for four years and are raising our two sons from our previous marriages together. Our exes both have only limited visitation due to significant documented mental health issues, so the kids spend the majority of their time in our home. Unfortunately, my stepson has been a challenge from day one.
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