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Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
I have a 14-year-old son, “Kevin.” He’s gotten into this online multiplayer game. He’s not letting it consume his life, he still does well on his school and other activities, but some of his actions within the game have made me both proud of his successes and worried about them at the same time.
The game itself is a kind of a very long scale, vaguely medieval fantasy thing. You found an estate, you get resources from it, you improve your resources by building various things on your estate, and you raise troops. It’s very hard to directly damage someone else’s estate, but you can raid them for resources, and this is apparently very common. You’re frequently engaged in an all-against-all war of cattle, crystal, and grain theft, and shifting alliances of raiding each other seem to be what most of the game is about.
Kevin has created a new model for his own playing strategy, and it seems to be working. Instead of simply raiding other people, he’s offered them the opportunity to become a “client.” Clientage does require ongoing protection payments, but he actually does provide protection. If anyone else raids you or demands tribute, he’ll start attacking whoever is bothering his clients, even if it’s an economic loser to fight against a stronger opponent. And he’s started coordinating the raiding efforts of his client base in order to present united fronts against threats and dogpile on the player he’s selected as the next person to recruit in.
But it is working. He was so excited when he checked his messages after school and he had two people asking to be his clients that he hadn’t even raided them to “convince” them to sign up.
So I’m both proud of his skills—he clearly is engaging with the game strategically—but I’m also worried that he’s independently recreated the logic of the protection racket. Is this something I should be taking steps about?
I was totally on board with everything Kevin was up to until you said that he was dogpiling on the folks he was trying to recruit in. It’s one thing to make alliances, but it’s another to beat people up until they agree to join your gang.
One big question I have is whether the game mechanics allow for alliances and protection rackets or if he’s having to communicate with people in the in-game chat to coordinate this. If the game has it built-in, then he hasn’t independently created anything you should or shouldn’t be proud of. The upside is that players of the game know the mechanics exist and shouldn’t feel it’s unfair if they find out what he’s doing.
On the other hand, if he’s doing all of this outside of regular game mechanics, you can turn on your #proudface at his ingenuity and at the same time feel a little concerned that this is his way of having a good time. Does it feel good for him to pummel someone to the point where they agree to become a vassal and spend their game time grinding out grain and cattle to satisfy their lord? What’s his idea of a good time off the screen, anyway? Talk to your little warlord. Try to figure out if he’s actually having fun anymore or if the game is becoming a job. Talk to him about his actual objectives in the game and the relationships he has in it. You might also explain that in the real world, what he’s doing would be illegal.
And of course, you probably are already thinking this, but it sounds like your son is spending a lot of time online and/or thinking about being back online. It might be too much. Video games can be highly addictive and he may poke his head up in a year and wonder why he sank so much time and effort into this. Make sure he touches grass!
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My 8-year-old, “Everett,” had been best friends with another kid in his class, “Jimmy,” since kindergarten. My husband and I have always been a little wary of the friendship, but have used it as an opportunity to discuss how good friends should and should not treat each other. Most of our concerns relate to things like bossiness and kind words, but we also haven’t loved how few guardrails Jimmy has on his media consumption and access to technology.
At the end of the school year these concerns took a sharp turn for the worse when Jimmy exposed Everett to something wildly inappropriate on the playground. I don’t want to say what, but it was upsetting enough I talked to Jimmy’s mom. When I spoke to her, I tried to approach it from the perspective that the kids are young and Jimmy didn’t understand what he was doing, but that there needed to be some education on the subject. I tried to come at her without anger or judgment about her parenting (although I’m sure some of that came through). Unfortunately, this was not well received, and she tried to reverse-Uno me, threatening to go to the school if we continued with “these accusations.”
This felt like a true-colors moment to me. Right now, our kids get in trouble for talking in class, but what about when they are older and the trouble gets more serious? This parent showed no interest in developing her kid’s character, only in keeping him out of trouble. I don’t want her throwing my kid under the bus in the future in order to protect her kid.
We’ve decided not to foster this friendship any longer. We requested the kids be put in separate classes (reverse-Uno-reversed!) and won’t be doing any playdates outside of school. We’ve stopped short of telling Everett that he can’t hang out with Jimmy at recess, although I’m considering asking his teacher to discourage it if possible.
My question is how to speak about this to Everett. The only reason I know about the incident at all is because he told me, unprompted, in a confessional sort of way. I don’t want him to think he can’t tell me important things. We’ve been able to avoid the play date conversation because it’s been summer, but Jimmy’s birthday will be coming up soon, and my son will be sad that he can’t go. Should I tell my son it is something between me and Jimmy’s mom? Should I be up front and say exactly why he can’t play with Jimmy outside of school? Do I need to say anything at all and hope he just doesn’t notice?
Everett telling you about the incident on the playground shows he knows something is up with Jimmy’s behavior. By coming to you, he was asking for confirmation about something he feels was inappropriate. Unfortunately, since you didn’t tell me what your son was exposed to on the playground that was “wildly inappropriate,” I’m going to have to assume it was something horrifying like Circus Clown Tentacle Porn (I’m not sure if that’s a thing, but internet law says if you can think of a kind of porn, it exists). That’s wildly inappropriate, and you should be proud of your parenting that your son told you about it.
Since he’s already talking to you, you’re in a good position to tell him exactly why you don’t think it’s a good idea for him to play with Jimmy. Jimmy is a bad influence, and your job as a parent is to protect your kids. You can tell him just that. You can tell him that by talking to him about Jimmy, you’re protecting him in the same way you did when he was little from falling down stairs or putting his hand in a dog’s mouth. Don’t lie about it being something with Jimmy’s mom. She might be a dick, but your real problem is that you don’t want Jimmy’s behavior to influence your son. Also, kids notice everything. He’s probably already noticed that you’re cold about Jimmy.
All that said, I’m not sure I’d ban Everett from attending the birthday party. You can tell him that Jimmy’s a bad influence and that what he did is awful, but if they’re in school together, you’re not going to be able to stop them from interacting. Talk to your son. Ask him if he really wants to go to the party knowing that Jimmy isn’t a good person for him right now. What you need Everett to do is build the skills to avoid this Jimmy and all future Jimmys in life. They’re everywhere! He’s off to a good start. Talk to him about what Jimmy did. Ask him how it made him feel and how it would make other people feel and if that’s the kind of person he wants to be. Ask Everett if he thinks that hanging out with Jimmy will make him more or less like Jimmy. Forbidding kids to see each other can often have the reverse effect. Try to help him become a better judge of character and make his own decisions about who to hang out with instead.
I (age 45) have been dating my partner (age 60) for 10 years, seven of which were during his marriage to the mother of his children. She discovered the affair, and I moved with him into the house he bought while they were divorcing.
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