One hour after the screening of the new film ends Borderlands The film is directed by Eli Roth (hostel) Starring Cate Blanchett, Kevin Hart, Jamie Lee Curtis and Ariana Greenblatt, I stared at the blinking cursor in a blank Google Doc, urging inspiration to strike.
A live-action movie based on 2K and Gearbox’s wildly successful Edgelord video game series would surely inspire a few hundred words, right? The star-studded cast, which includes several Oscar winners (and Jack Black), is sure to spark that creative spark. Of course, the vibrant visuals, jarring explosions, and poop jokes will break down a writer’s barrage, spewing out plenty of witty words and pithy sentences. But I’m at a loss.
Borderlands Not only is this bad, it’s frustrating.
on the verge of collapse
i saw Borderlands At early screenings in the Alamo Drawing Room, role-playing is encouraged. No one was in costume, and the theater was silent, as if we were about to watch archival video of one of the deadliest battles of World War II, or find footage of 9/11. The R-rated trailer that aired before this made me question whether the film, directed by Roth (known for his gory, brutal violence), was rated R (it wasn’t).
Before I had a chance to double-check the ratings, Cate Blanchett’s voice echoed through the theater. “A long time ago, our galaxy was ruled by an alien race,” she intones, her voice sounding unusually flat for a talented actor struggling to deliver a more superficial performance in another film. Funny, crazy performances in movies: 2017 Movies Thor: Ragnarok. I was immediately assaulted by the aggressive, sloppy editing and CGI images of gleaming guns, neon lights and psychopaths, and Blanchett (playing Lilith, a character who made a huge impact on me in my early twenties) Inspired, I have one of her quotes tattooed on my body) gives us a plot overview as energetic as a ’50s housewife’s regular mix of mood stabilizers and martinis.
Lilith tells us that the Bowuians laid the foundation of this galaxy and then disappeared, leaving behind a hidden secret vault on Pandora that contained the powerful relics of a long-lost civilization. “That sounds like some crazy crap, right?” Blanchett asked. I took a big bite of the burger and bit back a groan. Instead of giving moviegoers a desire to travel as they please. Borderlands Unlike what the games offer, the film is incredibly linear and direct: Lilith is a bounty hunter hired by the head of arms manufacturer Atlas Industries to track his… daughter, Tina Jr.;
We’re quickly introduced to nearly all of the main cast: Hart as Roland, Greenblatt as Little Tina, and Florian Muntenu as a mentally ill man named Craig. Roland rescues little Tina from some kind of facility in a rather bland action sequence, during which he beats up a guard and calls him a “fake Stormtrooper bastard.” I think this means Star Wars exist in Borderlands universe? It hasn’t improved since.
if you tell me Borderlands Use artificial intelligence to have a conversation and I trust you without a doubt. Almost every line uttered with the kind of fake excitement I reserved for elementary school cheerleading competitions is either a weak “edgy” joke not worthy of a Reddit upvote, or a cliche line like “I’m too old for this shit” and “This is already a real A long day. I can count on one hand the lines that are completely true—or at least not stained with so much venom that they almost stick together. There is no humanity here, just humorless humans.
I nearly banged my head on the table as needle drops of Muse’s “Supermassive Black Hole” seeped into the scene playing over the speakers at Pandora Bar. What are we doing here?
we need to talk about tina
Happily, Borderlands The movie isn’t that long, and the breakneck pace of the film means we meet Jamie Lee Curtis’ Tanis before I need a pee break (I had a beer). Curtis plays her with a socially awkward tic that I didn’t expect from the actor, and while it’s at least an attempt to give the character personality, it’s incredibly grating. But she tried again — Blanchett called in, Hart had no right to play a heterosexual, and Greenblatt did his best to exploit the material of a black character based on a white character (thankfully, this The movie avoids this). But even she couldn’t save a verse that asked her to say “badonkadonk” in 2024, the Year of Our Lord.
And, not to be ageist, but why the fuck does everyone do this old? Lilith is 22 years old in the original work Borderlands Tanis is already in her thirties – aside from Blanchett and Curtis’ star power, the only reason these characters age is so they can play matronly roles to Greenblatt’s Tina .
And therein lies the main problem: being Tina-centric. The storyline revolves around her belief that she’s Eridia’s child and the key to the vault, and the film focuses all its emotional weight on a character who wears a bunny-eared headband and throws explosives at people. of teddy bears while spitting out a – lining like a sugar-crazed 11-year-old fort night Lobby. Even with Greenblatt’s valiant efforts and Blanchett’s sole efforts, she fails to inspire any form of empathy. real A scene where they perform together. It’s like making a war machine A movie centered around the Rouge Brothers – it’s going to be annoying from the get-go.
All of this takes place in a weird CGI world that occasionally looks good, but more often than not is an explosion of illegible green-screen chaos or muddy, dark, murky nonsense. Lilith’s fiery orange hair and comic book costume are visually and tonally jarring against the dusty, bland landscape and crumbling industrial buildings – as if the filmmakers were crafting a film inspired by a cartoon world Inspired by movies. Borderlands Then dump it all into the faint series. Speaking of clothing, I’d love to know what my budget is for a push-up bra. Tanis, Crazy Moxxi and Lilith all have their breasts so high that they’re almost stuck in their throats – it was so hopelessly 2006, so reminiscent of the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show that I couldn’t help but giggle. Moms, am I right?
By the time the movie ended and Jack Black’s slapstick came on screen during the closing credits, bemoaning the loss of Easter eggs, I was ready to go home and cleanse my palate. I need some proper junk, some expensive needle drops, and some questionable costumes. I got home, plopped down on the sofa, and turned on the power gossip Girl. At least this one has personality.
this Borderlands The movie is not that good, surprisingly, nor that bad, and is worth watching. It’s just sad. It feels like the result of a bunch of people in suits sitting around a sleek mahogany table (just like that key and peele sketch) and reminisced about the early days, a time before the financial crisis, when the word “canceled” was used only for television shows, and when Muse were one of the biggest rock bands on the planet.
Despite trying very, very hard to show that it’s weird, it lacks humanity and personality. This is the woman in the grocery store aisle with frozen peas on her head—That’s how she is crazylove her! It shouldn’t exist.
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