Remember the hot days of “Men Tell All”?
Well, those days may be over, or they’re at least taking a break from this season of The Bachelorette, because this one could be an email — or a little extra before the finale.
Seriously. Do we need two hours? Even Sam M.’s inevitable awkward moments feel lackluster. Sigh.
But before we get into the men who didn’t give us anything, we see Grant telling his mom that he’s going to be the next Bachelor and that he’s going to be such a cute little thing when his season airs.
He seems genuine, which as far as we know isn’t unique to this series, and you can tell he’s nervous and maybe a little overwhelmed, which is refreshing. He may not have known what he was going through, nor the love we have as an audience.
Jesse introduced the people who decided to attend the recording, and I’m not going to lie; I don’t remember some of them. Like, who the hell is Ricky?
But we don’t have time to talk to them when we still need to find out who will make it to the final two games!
So, we flash back to Hawaii and Devin knocks on Jenn’s door, and I want to defend Devon because fundamentally, I get it, but on another level, you put baby Jenn is sitting in the corner and I hate that.
Jenn is stuck, but she’s still trying to figure things out. Devon wants to hear her say she loves him before he possibly proposes, which is normal in any situation except in the single process that you voluntarily agree to participate in.
Devon is the most wholehearted of the three and I’m sure he knows that, but you can’t force someone to feel something they may not feel yet to make you feel better.
I kept waiting for Jen to say she was in love with him, because unless my memory is worse than I realize, I could have sworn she said she wasn’t in love with the man before they spent the night.
Instead, she said, and I quote, “Devin, I really love you, you fucking idiot.”
Man, I love romance.
Maybe the possibility of Devon leaving made her realize her feelings. Or maybe she always loved him but didn’t dare admit it.
Or maybe it’s all lies and propaganda. We will never know!
Regardless, Devon is feeling at peace and doesn’t want to leave at all, so we fast forward to the least suspenseful rose ceremony in history.
Jonathon is a good guy, but he doesn’t love Jenn, and Jenn doesn’t love him, so it’s time for him to leave.
I felt bad for him for a second, but if he wanted to get there with Jenn, he needed to start using Zoom two months before this whole thing happened.
Devin and Marcus are now the last two of you and I can hear the collective groan from across the country.
Clearly, Jane loved both men, but only one loved her. What will she do?
Back in Los Angeles, Jesse talks to Ricky(?) and Brett, who didn’t make it through the first night. God, do we need to read those mean DMs?
I was very happy at that time, okay!
I’m kidding. I didn’t write these, but whoever did, I hope ABC sends you a bachelor’s stainless steel tumbler that makes your business so hot.
Next, we take a look back at the season. yawn.
Then we finally get to talk about some of the weirder things going on this season, like the book Aaron gave Devin and finally admitting who he warned Jenn about before leaving.
Aaron citing Devin (because he hates him) and Sam M (we all know why) makes sense, but what about Spencer? Granted, I do feel like he doesn’t like Jenn that much, but it’s not for lack of trying!
Aaron has zero self-awareness and is chaotic, so he’s a perfect fit for this show.
Sam N. had a few minutes to explain, except he hastily admitted his love for Jenn instead of stripping. Next comes the main event!
Sam M. suffers for good reason. He walks around like Vin Diesel of Furious and Furious fame, and he hates Devin more than he hates Jenn, and there’s no real defense for that .
However, these people were too kind to Sam M., who chose to go out and say all the right things so that everyone would think he learned from the experience. Maybe he did, but his answer was too neat.
Just like when he defended calling Jenny retarded and saying he was talking about her eyes (huh?), he didn’t mean to disrespect Jenny when he made it clear that Jenny wasn’t his type and thought the bachelorette would be Daisy or Maria . Double right?
Watching him all season, I know he knows how to say things and make them sound meaningful, until you sit back and realize he hasn’t said anything at all.
After this part, I need them to retire and “put the main thing on the main thing.” If I saw that stupid phrase on a crop top, I would scream into the void.
Jonathan comes out and waxes poetic about Jenn and their time together, and again I feel bad for him for a few seconds, but I really don’t think he and Jenn have a strong friendship.
Jesse then extended an invitation to Jonathan to appear on Bachelor in Paradise next summer. I don’t know when they’re going to start filming, but if his DMs are anything like Brett’s, then good luck staying single until then!
Afterwards, we had an exclusive viewing of the Hulu show The Secret Life of Mormon Wives, which I couldn’t tell you what it was about because all I did was stare in the corner at Hakeem’s reaction.
This man was born for television.
Grant next had a chance to shine and endear himself to all of America. There’s something real about him that’s in stark contrast to the Sam M.’s of the world, who look like they’re putting on a show.
Grant is a bit clumsy and could use some media training, which I like. We need someone to deliver the experience, not a Gymshark partner.
The evening was getting ready to end and Jenn came in to do a little checkup with some of the guys. She had some nice things to say about Jonathon and Sam N., but she was still disappointed in Thomas M. for that time he pulled Devin, and Sam M. got all the smoke after that.
Jenn has obviously been watching the show back and seeing all of Sam M.’s antics when she wasn’t there and, uh, she must be pissed that he left her blind for so long.
Sam M. wishes he could do things differently and Jenn wishes it were true. This may be the last time the two of them are in the same room together.
The next part was cute, with Jenny talking about the importance of her season and Asian American representation. Jenn is a great Bachelorette, so don’t let her haters tell you otherwise. It’s great that she feels loved and supported by the community.
Jesse then strangely turns to Charity and Dodon and offers them a redo trip to Greece, since Dodon was sick when they went previously.
Meanwhile, Aaron’s twins Noah and fiancée Abigail sat in front of them and received nothing from the production except better seats.
Next comes the gimmicky things that are funny or whatever. Jenn calls Jonathan her “medium-sized king” and I laugh.
They didn’t know how to fill two hours, so they brought out a spider crawling up Hakeem’s leg, and all I wanted to do was watch the dramatic Rose trailer at the end. I love Hakeem, but that’s enough!
However, he will go to heaven with Jonathan! So, at least he got out of there with something!
The ending looks messy but I need it in my veins! But we still have a whole week to wait, so while we wait, let me know what you think of this lackluster Men Tell All in the comments!
What are your thoughts on Devin vs. Marcus?
The Bachelorette Season 21 finale airs Tuesday, September 3 at 8/7c on ABC!
